Found Metal Fridays / by Tony McMillen

Somehow not the guy from Demon Knight who also played the Grim Reaper in Bill and Ted 2.

Somehow not the guy from Demon Knight who also played the Grim Reaper in Bill and Ted 2.

My heavy metal horror novel An Augmented Fourth comes out this June.

To mark the occasion I'm going to bring you '"Found Metal" on Fridays.

Found Metal is pop culture stuff dredged up from the corners of mother internet that aren’t explicitly heavy metal in and of themselves but nevertheless they still possess that unnameable thing that makes something metal. Some things just have that connotation with them and it’s hard to say exactly why. Metal is one of those things that’s impossible to define exactly but you know it when you see it.

This week's found metal comes to us from the always fun world of company safety videos.

This is, of course, the legendary, "Will You Be Here Tomorrow?" the safety video from 1998 that watches like an sizzle reel from Faces of Death Part 2. 

This thing is real, it was made to keep workers safe and the powers that be decided that would best be achieved by copious amounts of corn syrup for fake blood and some truly brutal slayings of various warehouse/factory workers. 

But you know what trumps "Will You Be Here Tomorrow?,"  1980's "Shake Hands with Danger." Which boasts a sweet country expository theme song that makes it like some lost Burt Reynolds movie only the plot hangs together better. Though it does suffer from lack of Dom DeLuise. All films do.  

One downside is this thing is 25 minutes long so you might have to sift around for your metal moments.

But if you want a little more bang for your buck you can't do much better than the 5 minute tour de force that is 1999' "Think About This." It delivers nonstop gnareliness replete with a weird, funny/chilling Portisheadesque theme song. This might be the finest example of a safety video yet produced.

How much fun would it be to film one of these? Say you're an amateur Tom Savani and you get approached by one of these companies to make them an educational faux snuff film and the best part; you don't have to even bother with all that boring story and character dreck. It's Mortal Kombat with nonstop finishing moves.

If you got something you think is unintentionally brutal or accidentally scary send that found metal to me via an email and if I use it I'll send you some sort of prize. Hit me up at: tonymcmllen@gmail.com