Found Metal Friday / by Tony McMillen

Kind of a self-mutilating hula hoop thing going here. Into it.

Kind of a self-mutilating hula hoop thing going here. Into it.

My new heavy metal horror novel An Augmented Fourth comes out this June.

To mark the occasion I'm going to bring you '"Found Metal" on Fridays.

Found Metal is pop culture stuff I’ve dredged up from the corners of my mind and mother internet that aren’t explicitly heavy metal in and of themselves but nevertheless they still possess that unnameable thing that makes something metal. Some things just have that connotation with them and it’s hard to say exactly why. Metal is one of those things that’s impossible to define exactly but you know it when you see it.

Today we have cannibalistic food mascots.  How fucking brutal is that? How perverse and defiant even? How very goddamn metal. You can hear the chugging riffs behind it.

Also, does this ever entice anyone to eat the food product being advertised? Is it supposed to assuage our guilt knowing that the animal wants us to eat it? That it's willing to cut us the first slice? That we're dining on Stockholm Syndrome meat?

Okay, not gonna lie; kind of what some pork chops now. Maybe there's something to it.

Here's some more fun:

He's licking his lips; he can't wait to start tearing himself apart after giving himself the ketchup Moz look. Meat is indeed murder. 

He's licking his lips; he can't wait to start tearing himself apart after giving himself the ketchup Moz look. Meat is indeed murder. 

Are we to understand that this is a cyclops cow? Is that why he's doing this? Taking off your hind legs is not going to make you look more normal, dude. Stop doing this.

Are we to understand that this is a cyclops cow? Is that why he's doing this? Taking off your hind legs is not going to make you look more normal, dude. Stop doing this.

Of course the so-called bottom feeders are the classiest of the bunch. Also, look at the size difference between the serving lobster and his friends on the plate -is he feeding the other crustacean children? Did he cook younglings? Younglings!

Of course the so-called bottom feeders are the classiest of the bunch. Also, look at the size difference between the serving lobster and his friends on the plate -is he feeding the other crustacean children? Did he cook younglings? Younglings!