Found Metal Fridays! / by Tony McMillen

My new heavy metal horror novel An Augmented Fourth comes out this June.

To mark the occasion I'm going to bring you '"Found Metal" on Fridays.

Found Metal is pop culture stuff I’ve dredged up from the corners of my mind and mother internet that aren’t explicitly heavy metal in and of themselves but nevertheless they still possess that unnameable thing that makes something metal. Some things just have that connotation with them and it’s hard to say exactly why. Metal is one of those things that’s impossible to define exactly but you know it when you see it.

Today's found metal is "Judith Beheading Holofernes"  a painting from Caravaggio (which sounds like a super smooth R and B outfit from the 90s)  that was painted in 1598–99. 

Seriously, how is this not already metal album cover art?

Here, let's fix that:

The story the painting is depicting is pretty metal as well.  The Book of Judith is a deuterocanonical biblical text meaning that Protestants don't consider it canon but a bunch of other Christians do. Which means it's sort of like a really revered Elseworld's story like The Dark Knight Returns or The Killing Joke that gets sorta folded into the regular continuity in parts.

Actually, it's nothing like that.

Anyways In the story, Judith, a beautiful widow, is able to enter the tent of Holofernes because he wants to fuck her. Holofernes was an Assyrian general who was about to destroy Judith's home, the city of Bethulia. She gets dude super crunk on whatever passed for Four Loko back in her day (you could say he was a Holo-Wreck. You could say that but you probably really shouldn't) and after he passes the fuck out he's decapitated by Judith.  And she's a big hero and Holo-Wreck's (we're god with it now) people are like fuck this, that broad is bonkers. peace. Literally, peace, they leave Judith's people alone. And Judith says after you take one dude's head off just marrying them is never going to suffice so she stay unmarried for the rest of her life by choice.

Now picture all of that but with guitars.

See what I'm getting at?

If you got something you think is found metal send me an email with it and if I use it I'll send you some sort of prize. Hit me up at: tonymcmllen@gmail.com