Get to the Choppa: Arnold's Schwarzenegger’s Best Haircuts by Tony McMillen

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1.       Red Heat

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Best flat top of his career. And when we’re discussing Arnold’s hair, the flattop is the first thing that comes to mind. The man can rock many looks (as you’ll see) but the flattop is Arnold at his most iconic. Of course what’s strange about this being his top look is that Red Heat itself is far from his best film. It’s actually one of his forgettable flicks nestled in the middle of his best period. Sort of like the Running Man only nowhere as what-the-fuck interesting. His hair here really is the best thing about Red Heat. It’s red as hell and so tall it basically looks like a perpetual explosion on top of his head that never goes out. Which is exactly what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to a young child who is obessed with his hyper violent hilarious films. But seriously, that hair, so much height! It looks like he’s starring in an Austrian remake of House Party 2: The Pajama Jam. You know, Hausparty Zwei : Das Schlafanzug Schlafanzug.

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2.       T2

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 This is basically how we will always picture Arnold in our hearts and minds and it’s Arnold’s second best flat top. The hair like the whole film really is an improvement over the first Terminator. Well, mostly. Instead of having to start with default Arnie flop hair that gets singed off (along with his eyebrows) into a severe I did it myself punker flat top Arnold begins this film with perfect hair. Jet black, sharp and a little tall on top. Perfect. Only Red Heat’s hair is perfecter.

3.       Predator

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 Third best flat top. Also a carrot top like in Red Heat but a more practical height this time around. There’s a bit of a chow-chow blow out fuzz to it at times -possibly due to the humidity of the jungle setting – but it works wonderfully especially as an accompinament to Arnold’s handsome as hell stubble chinstrap he’s got going in this film. Arnold’s jaw is one of a kind and can grant his face a noble simian type of air -which I mean as a compliment. The stubble on top of that plays down the severity of his massive jaw and also frames his face under his cheekbones which are quite striking and maybe his best feature. This look as one complete packqage along with the costuming makes for easily Arnold’s sexisest look. Which is not something a lot of folks probably associate with the big guy.

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Okay, his sexisest look is probably buck naked in T2 but if we’re going clothed, carrot top merc smoking cigars and pulling ropes wearing gloves and no shirt with his other massive dude brethren in the jungle is easily the way to go.

 

4. Conan

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 Beautiful, natural long locks. Not a shitty wig like in part 2. Okay, maybe he's rocking extensions in part 1 now that I look at it. Doesn't matter. Only reason this isn't number 1 is in the same movie James Earl Jones' Rick James wig puts Arnold's natural locks to shame.

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5. Commando

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 Fourth best flat top of Arnold's career and yes, they’re all very different and distinct. The problem with this one is that it’s a little short for my tastes, kind of dweebs him up too much for me. But still, even if this isn’t the best execution of the style it’s a perfect fit for the shape of the man's head.

6. Terminator, Kindergarten Cop, Twins, Total Recall and the rest

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ormal Arnold hair is too damn floppy and not rigid enough dammit. He looks like he has a half cooked ramen block on his head half the time.  In T1 (as previously mentioned) it especially pisses me off because he starts out with normcore flop head

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and then it gets burnt down to a shitneck, near soccer mullet that makes him look like a roadie for Dire Straits.

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I will admit though that he looks pretty ragman cool at the beginning of Kindergarten Cop with the stubble and sunglasses. The flop hair sort of works paired with those two things. Also, it looks like he’s playing some Bizarro version of Stallone’s Cobra (Yeah, his name is Cobra) in the vein of the whole role reverse switchero gag from The Last Action Hero.

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Update:

This list is now null and void, I just caught sight of Arnold's look from Around the World in 80 Days, needless to say, we have a new winner.

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SUPER SERIOUS INTERNET INTERVIEW WITH AUTHOR AND MUSICIAN TONY MCMILLEN by Tony McMillen

I was interviewed over at Clash, the first question was:

"1) If your new book does well can you do a nu-metal sequel titled “The Seventh String of Satan is The Real Mother Fucking Deal Y’all”?

My response was:

"Are you saying you’re down with the litness? "

And it goes on like this for 9 more questions and answers. 

You're welcome.

Read it here.